Becoming the father of a precious newborn, I have encountered numerous experiences that have led me to formulate several parenting principles and philosophies. These insights are derived from a blend of wisdom shared by my wife, our parents, and our own experiences. As the phases of my parenting journey evolve, it’s crucial for me to remind myself of these invaluable lessons constantly.
#1 Rule – The child’s life belongs to them, not the parents.
My wife, Eunji, and I, both being the eldest siblings, observed a stark contrast in the parenting approaches our parents applied to us compared to our younger siblings. Our parents often believed it was reasonable and achievable to impose changes upon us or press us into fulfilling their wishes, an approach they sparingly used with our younger brothers.
However, as we grew more independent and forged our adult identities, we encountered increased resistance from our parents, who yearned to keep us close within their nurturing embrace. Eunji and I have always strived to be independent, avoiding burdening our parents, and have made commendable progress in our lives. Yet, we often found ourselves navigating through the expectations and life plans our parents envisioned for us, which diverged from our own aspirations and desires.
We certainly appreciate and value the love and care we received from our parents. We owe our baby even more love and a better environment. However, we’ve learned that it’s detrimental for parents to dictate their children’s lives. Our role is to support our baby in growing into an independent adult and to respect the life she chooses to lead.
#2 Rule – Practice patience and manage our parental emotions.
The expressions of disbelief on our baby Ahrin’s grandmothers’ faces (our mothers) when we did tummy time with her or let her go without pants in a comfortable 72-degree Fahrenheit environment reminded us of how our parents raised us.
Naturally, seeing Ahrin uncomfortable or in tears during tummy time pains us. Yet, we focus on the long-term benefits of such challenges. Despite this, we occasionally receive comments from our parents, urging us not to subject their precious grandchild to tummy time, prompting us to establish firmer boundaries regarding their involvement in our parenting decisions.
Both Eunji and I have tried to convey to our mothers that their interventions, such as manually removing vernix caseosa or insisting on socks in warm temperatures, are more about easing their own concerns rather than benefiting Ahrin in the long run. We both experienced similar overprotectiveness from our parents. These experiences taught us the importance of patience, especially when our child is navigating life’s learning curves.
While parents naturally desire the best for their children, there will be times when children fail, cry, face disappointment, get hurt, or feel utterly defeated. Witnessing such moments can be incredibly challenging for parents. It’s tempting to constantly offer direct support, but what about the long-term implications? We might inadvertently deprive them of opportunities to learn, grow, and develop resilience.
It’s a painful realization. However, before intervening or assisting, I aim to assess whether I am genuinely helping my child or simply acting to comfort myself as a “good parent.” I wish to be a supportive guardrail for Ahrin when necessary. Yet, if she is willing or needs to take on challenges, I should support her choices and patiently observe her journey. This process may wrench my heart and compel me to assist immediately, but it’s part of the patience and self-control I need to cultivate as a parent. I aspire to prepare Ahrin to thrive independently in the world, even in my absence.
#3 Rule – I should learn and grow as much as I expect my child to.
It often seems paradoxical how some parents expect their children to study hard and excel, yet when faced with similar challenges, they excuse themselves with claims of inadequate time or not being academically inclined. I view this as a blatant hypocrisy. After all, where do the children inherit their traits from?
Our parents, particularly our fathers, often casually instructed us to accomplish certain tasks without considering the effort required to achieve these goals, yet I rarely witnessed them undertaking similar challenges themselves.
I refuse to follow this pattern. I don’t wish to force Ahrin to grow in a manner I dictate. Instead, I envision myself as a father who continually learns and grows, offering positive reinforcement to Ahrin in her endeavors. If I succeed in this, it will bring me immense joy and a sense of great accomplishment.
Conclusion:
While I wish to achieve numerous other parenting goals, these three principles stand as the pillars of my parenting philosophy. Parenting is undoubtedly a complex and demanding journey. As a father, I hope to embody sufficient patience, resilience, and wisdom. I yearn for the best for Ahrin. Although I may not be the perfect father, I aspire to be one who consistently strives to be the best he can be.