During my parental leave, I found myself reading (or listening to) books via Audible while doing mundane yet meaningful chores like washing baby bottles. One of those books, “How to Win Friends & Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, turned out to be transformative. As a data engineer in the tech industry, I’ve always believed communication should be straightforward and fact-based. However, Carnegie’s insights made me realize I can improve or reshape my approaches.
Shifting Roles and Communication Challenges
As I’ve grown into a more senior role, my focus has shifted from executing technical tasks to influencing and sharing ideas. In the process, I’ve reflected on times when I’ve been impatient or overly eager to propose alternative perspectives. For instance, in meetings, I often found myself saying, “Yes, but,” jumping in to offer a different solution or correct a misunderstanding—sometimes too quickly. This habit, while well-intentioned, often didn’t achieve the collaborative outcomes I hoped for, especially when technical challenges piled up in the background.
Lessons from Carnegie
Carnegie’s book has offered me two deeply resonant lessons that I’m still absorbing (thanks to Audible, which has made learning so accessible during house chores):
- “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” (Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People)
This simple metaphor reminds me that being overly critical or direct can often shut down meaningful collaboration. It’s not just about being right; it’s about maintaining relationships and fostering an environment where ideas can flourish.
2. “You can’t win an argument.” (Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People)
Calling out someone’s mistakes or misconceptions directly can make them defensive. Instead, Carnegie advocates for listening carefully, finding common ground, and gently steering the conversation toward a new perspective. Agree first, then present your idea subtly and diplomatically.
Applying These Lessons in Real Life
Collaborative Problem Solving as a Contractor
Reflecting on my experiences, I see how these lessons could have improved my approach in the past. For example, when working as a consultant, I was assigned to a project as a data specialist. The team had been working on creating an operationally critical dashboard for months, but leadership had lost trust in the numbers. When I joined the project, the original developers were understandably defensive because leadership had brought me in to review and modify their work. While I wasn’t there to blame anyone, my role created tension.
I felt pressure from both sides. On the one hand, I needed to correct the numbers on the dashboard within a short time frame to satisfy leadership and stakeholders. On the other, I needed the original developers as allies, not adversaries, since their knowledge of the systems was crucial.
To balance these challenges, I took a collaborative approach. When I found the first few miscalculations, I sat with the developers, explained that I was there as a second set of eyes, and asked questions to guide us through the problems together. This humility and teamwork helped us resolve the issues without alienating anyone.
Revisiting the Beginner’s Mindset
Reflecting on this experience from my consulting days, it’s disheartening to realize that I’ve drifted away from this mindset in recent years. As my schedule has filled with more meetings and technical work, I’ve started valuing efficiency over collaboration at times. Additionally, I’ve observed that communication styles vary across organizations. Some teams prefer directness, while others emphasize relationship-building. This flexibility is a skill I need to sharpen again.
Standardizing Metrics Across Business Areas
Another example that comes to mind is when my old team was tasked with standardizing and consolidating business metrics across different product areas. In one instance, we discovered that some business areas were overcounting their metrics when compared to the organization’s standard criteria.
When we pointed this out, the business leaders in those areas stopped engaging with my team. I understand why this happened—these numbers were celebrated and showcased to upper leadership. Could we have approached this situation differently? Perhaps a more empathetic introduction to our findings, where we first explained the value of standardized metrics and their benefits, could have preserved the relationship while achieving our goal.
Final Reflections
Carnegie’s advice has reminded me that communication isn’t about proving who’s right or wrong; it’s about connection and mutual understanding. Technical accuracy is essential, but so is being mindful of how ideas are shared. Sometimes, letting others save face or guiding them gently toward the right solution is more effective than insisting on immediate correctness.
These lessons are still a work in progress for me, but they’ve already begun to reshape how I approach conversations, both professionally and personally. I’m learning to value patience and empathy alongside logic and precision—and to appreciate how even the slightest shifts in communication can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.d to appreciate how even the slightest shifts in communication can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.
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